Knowing I Don't Belong

Yeah so i'm sitting here in the media center during english class supposed to be doing an english project that i'll be doing with Maddie since i didn't read the nov ADD much

That was Kyle =P (Guilty) That was Kyle again. (Yup) And again.

Okay no more! Maddie is poking me =O

This was a completely pointless entry so bye >.__.> (I enjoy being irritating) <--Kyle.

Yeah so...

Ugh. I cried in front of my psychiatrist today...I FUCKING CRIED. He just HAD to mention JAMES. WHY.

Damn it.


**Edit**

This journal is now FRIENDS ONLY.

Blah =\

Thats how I have been feeling lately. I need to put this journal to friend's only. 

Gah. I wanted to go to the arcade last night for some major ITGing but no, my dad was all, yeah it's gonna snow. 

It didn't start till 11:30. The arcade closes at 10 =\

Usually I go there from 5-6 till 10. Thats...4-5 hours of dancing to crazy techno music and stepping on arrows. Ah I miss it so. It seems so long ago I was there. Probably like a month ago. But luckily I have the game at home WITH  metal pad so it's kinda liek being there only not...but the ITG I have is ITG 1. The one at the arcade is ITG 2. So it's got more songs on it  =O

And....yeah I need to lose 10-15 pounds.

And holy crap. The Ring soundtrack is amazing. I found my old one and am now listening to it. It's so eerie...I love eerie music. It's the best. It gets me in a sadistic, I don't care, FUCK YOU attitude.

Well shit.

I tried to post a survey and it didn't work.

=\

I had such a fun day today as well as yesterday with my friend Sarah. So many people came over! It was amazing. Brandon, JP, Alex, Anna, Jordan, Colin, yup. Fun.

Ugh. I've got so much reading to do this weekend and i still haven't done any of it! Gah!


I hate English class....EXCEPT FOR MADDIE AND JONATHAN! I would talk to Kyle but he's like a seat behind me so it's very hard to speak with him.


FIYAH!

If anyone has played Silent Hill 4, they know this song. It's creepy but good, i highly reccommend.


You lie silent there before me
your tears they mean nothing to me
the wind howling at the window
the love you never gave
I give to you

Really don't deserve it
but now there's nothing you can do
so sleep in your only memory of me
my dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
goodbye
goodbye

So insignificant
sleeping dormant deep inside of me
are you hiding away lost
under the sewers
maybe flying high in the clouds
perhaps you're happy without me
so many seeds have been sown in the field
and who could sprout up so blessedly
if I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
you will not hear me say I'm sorry
where is the light
wonder if it's weeping somewhere

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye

      Okay, i'm bored. Just got done writing a paper and i'm just sitting here at my computer doing absolutely nothing of importance. My mom grounded me from the computer this morning because just about everynight i'm on there until 12:30 at night talking to my friends and it's been pissing them off. My mom was really annoying me last night though because she for some reason just HAD to know who i was talking to but i was having erm...PRIVATE conversations with Sarah and Brandon about friend things that she had no business knowing. It's not that i have anything to HIDE from her (not really) but ya know, if i was telling my friend secrets and stuff over the computer, i would DEFINETLY not want their parents seeing it. I mean jesus, she kept on saying about how she wasn't going to read my conversations but that she had a right to know who i was talking to. I told her Sarah and Brandon and she didn't believe me so i kept arguing with her about her seeing my conversations. Finally i just gave up and tried to show he real quick but i don't know if she saw anything or not. I sure as hell hope she didn't. I mean damn it, she's always complaining of me having no social life and me just not talking or getting to together with anybody and when i actually DO she gets all pissed off. I just don't fucking understand PARENTS. I mean seriously what the hell i have no idea what i should do to convince them that i'm responsible enough to know who are the right people to hang out with. I know ALOT of bad people that i don't even bother hanging out with because they are trouble. Usually the friends that THEY like are the ones who treat me like shit and then the ones they stereotype are the ones who always have my back...

Well, I have done absolutely nothing but sit on my ass since sunday. Videogames, Computer, Videogames, Computer, Eat, Repeat process.

Yeah. Usually i'm much more active but my legs hurt from so much ITG...like i can't fuckin WALK. Basically all i can do is SIT on mah ASS.

I'm craving a slurpie.

I feel terrible.

I had to do it to save someone I loved, pain.


I'm still not over the past, i'll admit it. I have to sort out alot of things in my life before i'm ready for a relationship.


I'm sorry.

Wow. I've got quite a decision lingering on my mind as of recently...


I'm thinking about graduating early next year then going off to college (FCC then Mt. St. Mary's)
I honestly don't know what I should do but I want to get the hell out of school while I can and get ON with my life. I feel like a fucking 18 year old trapped in this 15 year old body. I hate it.

But the good news is I might be able to move out. My friend is getting an apartment and my parents trust her alot i'm sure and she said I could probably move in with her. My god that will be nice to get the hell out of my house. I'm so excited.

So yeah I sat down on my porch, it started to snow, I ate my sushi that I walked to the grocery store to get (my GOD I freezed my ass off)

Kyle, I would appreciate it if you didn't read this next part...

So yeah, I've been pretty deep in thought lately.

So, I'm really bored and i should probably be cleaning my room...



TEN random things you MIGHT not know about me..
1: I still think i'm fat. Even though i've recovered from an ED.
2: I'm an insomniac.
3: I wish i was asian.
4: I get angry first...then sad.
5: I always go by gut instinct...although i sometimes don't always follow it. I might be scared.
6: My heart is stuck on one guy. Who keeps me awake at night. Every night.
7: I'm afraid to take chances and risks. But i do anyway (with certain things)
8: I only regret one thing in my life.
9: I always try to follow my heart.
10: I wish i could find a guy that wasn't full of shit.

NINE places I've visited..
1: Pennsylvania
2: Texas
3: California
4: Virginia
5: Washington DC
6: West Virginia
7: Maryland
8: North Carolina
9: Florida

EIGHT things I want to do before I die..
1: Run away.
2: Be homeless for a week.
3: Find my soulmate.
4: Tell everyone exactly how i feel about them.
5: 15 minutes of fame.
6: Be able to do a level 13 song.
7: Have people look up to me, even if I don't realize it.
8: Tell someone how i feel about them.


SEVEN ways to win my heart..
1: Be sensitive.
2: Be there for me.
3: Love me for who i am.
4: BE UNDERSTANDING.
5: Be supportive and caring.
6: Always tell me the truth.
7: Have lots of things in common with me.

SIX things I'm afraid of
1: Everybody hating me + losing people i love.
2: Being buried alive.
3: Diseases that can't be cured and last forever.
4: Becoming overweight or obese.
5: Losing control.
6: Myself.

FIVE things I don't like..
1: People who think they "understand" your problem when they haven't even gone through it themselves.
2: Liars + Cheaters.
3: Being told only half the truth but not the whole truth.
4: People who think I'm lying when in actuality I'm telling the truth.
5: People who not only seem perfect but happy.

FOUR ways to turn me off..
1: Act like a know it all.
2: Being TOO nice.
3: Just acting like an idiot overall.
4: Treat me like i'm a girl who can't protect herself.

THREE Things I want to do this summer..
1: Ride my bike to another town.
2: Roam the streets at night armed only with an MP3 Player.
3: Have fun.

TWO things I am trying not to do right now..
1: Think about someone.
2: Think about someone.

ONE thing on my mind right now..
1: Someone.


TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Emily
Birthday: May 31st
Birthplace: Euphoria
Current Location: A hell hole called Frederick
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Brunette.
Height: 5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Both.
Your Heritage: Irish, German, English, and French.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Vans.
Your Weakness: Love.
Your Fears: Losing people i love.
Your Perfect Pizza: Vegetables!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Happiness!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: hah.
Thoughts First Waking Up: I DON'T wake up. I'm up the entire night.
Your Best Physical Feature: My eyes i suppose.
Your Bedtime: Yeah anywhere from 4:30 to never.
Your Most Missed Memory: German 2 class.
Pepsi or Coke: Mountain Dew.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Ew.
Single or Group Dates: Depends o my mood.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Don't carrreee.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Either.
Do you Smoke: I've tried to.
Do you Swear: I say "fuck" alot.
Do you Sing: Yeah.
Do you Shower Daily: Yesh.
Have you Been in Love: Lets not get into that.
Do you want to go to College: Kinda.
Do you want to get Married: Eh.
Do you belive in yourself: Yeah i try to.
Do you get Motion Sickness: Sometimes.
Do you think you are Attractive: HA. NO.
Are you a Health Freak: lmao. Yeah. I've taken it over the edge.
Do you get along with your Parents: Not really.
Do you like Thunderstorms: I love thunderstorms.
Do you play an Instrument: Used to play accoustic guitar and bass guitar.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes.
In the past month have you Smoked: No.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nope.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yes.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Uh no thats a bit disgusting.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yes.
In the past month have you been on Stage: No.
In the past month have you been Dumped: No.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Ha. No comment.
Ever been Drunk: Yeah.
Ever been called a Tease: Only from one person. Believe me, i'm anything but that.
Ever been Beaten up: Yes.
Ever Shoplifted: Yes.
How do you want to Die: Either trying to save someone or lying in a field looking up at the night sky.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I did want to be an astronomer but i'm way too damn stupid for that job. So i want to be a teacher.
What country would you most like to Visit: Japan, baby!
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Any color is fine.
Favourite Hair Color: Brown.
Short or Long Hair: Okay so maybe i'm a sucker for long hair.
Height: Definetely taller than me.
Weight: Anything higher than mine please!
Best Clothing Style: Black. W00t.
Number of Drugs I have taken: Eh.
Number of CDs I own: Ha, like i'm going to count every fucking cd i own. Yeah right.
Number of Piercings: 2
Number of Tattoos: Not yet. I will this May though.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Only one thing.




if i were a month i would be: October.
if i were a day of the week i would be: Friday.
if i were a time of day i would be: Midnight.
if i were a planet i would be: The Moon.
if i were a sea animal i would be: A dolphin.
if i were a direction i would be: Down.
if i were a piece of furniture i would be: A couch.
if i were a sin i would be: Envy.
if i were a historical figure i would be: Joan Of Arc.
if i were a liquid i would be: Water i suppose.
if i were a tree i would be: A Weeping Willow.
if i were a flower/plant i would be: A Lily.
if i were a kind of weather i would be: Fall.
if i were a musical instrument i would be: A Japanese flute. I forget the name of it.
if i were an animal i would be: A kitty.
if i were a color i would be: Black.
if i were a vegetable i would be: A carrot, lol.
if i were a sound i would be: An echo.
if i were an element i would be: Earth.
if i were a car i would be: Something that barely runs.
if i were a song i would be: Better Off Alone~Alice Deejay.
if i were a movie i would be directed by: A friend.
if i were a book i would be written by: A friend.
if i were a food i would be: An Apple.
if i were a place i would be: A meadow.
if i were a material i would be: Satin.
if i were a taste i would be: Sweet.
if i were a scent i would be: "Moonlight Fantasy" (one of my perfume things)
if i were a word i would be: Echo.
if i were an object i would be: A moon necklace.
if i were a body part i would be: An eye.
if i were a facial expression i would be: That sad nostalgic look.
if i were a cartoon character i would be: Sango.
if i were a shape i would be a: An arrow.
if i were a number i would be: 11.

Well, here's my new journal. Not going to be writing in the MySpace blog thing or the Deviant Art journal. I've been having some problems with the privacy of deviant art journals and myspace ones.

So yes, enjoy the future rantings and ravings.